Sometimes people tell me they have stayed together for years, sad and frustrated, just because breaking up seemed like too much work.<\/span><\/p>\n In some cases, one partner has gotten tired of the hassle, has found someone else, and is now asking for a divorce.<\/span><\/p>\n But it doesn\u2019t have to be this way. As long as both people are willing, the marriage can be restored. All you need to do is eliminate the communication problem.<\/span><\/p>\n The problem . . .<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n Surprising as it may sound, most of the couples who come to me have the same four issues:<\/span><\/p>\n <\/div><\/span><\/p>\n Over time, these couples stop trying to talk things through. Instead, they learn to juggle jobs, housekeeping, finances, and childrearing while withdrawing from each other.<\/span><\/p>\n In the process they wind up dividing responsibilities along the lines of least stress and least resistance. They go into survival mode.<\/span><\/p>\n Sometimes survival mode makes everything worse. Sure, it takes care of the bank account and keeps food on the table and sheets on the bed. But sometimes it means that one person feels overburdened with responsibility while the other person feels unheard when major decisions get made.<\/span><\/p>\n When this happens, there is a power imbalance in the relationship. Imbalances can make basic communication problems worse. The result? Total disaster.<\/span><\/p>\n But you can keep this scenario from playing out in your marriage.<\/span><\/p>\n Finding the solution . . .<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n Assuming that each of you knows exactly what concessions you need to keep body and soul together, you just need to speak your mind while following a few simple rules.<\/span><\/p>\n As long as you know what you want in any given situation, you can avoid many problems by asking for things clearly. You also need to respond clearly when the other person makes a request.<\/span><\/p>\n When I say \u201cclearly,\u201d I am talking here not about a complex, elaborate speech but about sentences so simple a five-year-old might say them. You can say, \u201cI want this.\u201d You can also say, \u201cOuch! That hurts.\u201d Or \u201cPlease don\u2019t do that! It makes me really mad when you . . .\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n Do you remember ever having heard these words? You should.<\/span><\/p>\n Maybe your siblings used them when you were growing up. Or you heard them on the playground. Children often make simple, direct statements when they want to make and keep friendships.<\/span><\/p>\n A few people seem as adults to remember having learned constructive ways of talking to each other in childhood. But how about everyone else?<\/span><\/p>\n The skills involved must be really complicated if almost no one has learned them, right?<\/span><\/p>\n Not so.<\/span><\/p>\n The basic communication skills that we all need to get along in our families, our community, and the world of work are very simple.<\/span><\/p>\n So why don\u2019t we all learn them as children?<\/span><\/p>\n Many people don\u2019t learn these skills early in life because schools, where all of us spend most of our childhoods, won\u2019t teach them. Schools like to think they are responsible only for reading, writing, and arithmetic. When schools avoid modeling good social skills, of course, kids learn dysfunctional approaches to problem solving!<\/span><\/p>\n But never fear. It\u2019s not your fault that you weren\u2019t taught this stuff a long time ago. Almost no one was.<\/span><\/p>\n As a grownup you can learn this stuff in a flash.<\/span><\/p>\n Once you do, you will be able to<\/span><\/p>\n <\/div><\/span><\/p>\n All the information you need to do these things is contained in Love More, Fight Less: Skills to Make Your Relationship Last<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Let me show you how effective these skills can be by telling you about one couple who came to see me years ago.<\/span><\/p>\n The story of Steve and Alice . . .<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n Steve\u2019s wife, Alice, was 30 years old. Steve, age 35, had brought her into therapy because he was dissatisfied with their love life and felt that they spent all their time together fighting.<\/span><\/p>\n Steve and Alice had married five years earlier because they wanted the same things: a white picket fence, two kids, and financial security. They had these things, including the two kids, whom they both adored, but otherwise they seemed to be miles apart by the time I saw them.<\/span><\/p>\n Steve, very much a homebody and a devoted father, was in agony. He loved having a family. He was desperate to work out their problems and avoid divorce.<\/span><\/p>\n But Alice said she wanted out. Steve had graduated from college and had some years to fool around before they settled down together, she said. She, younger than he, had not had the same chance.<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n It wasn\u2019t fair, Alice argued, that she should be saddled with childrearing and housekeeping before she had had some fun. She had just turned 30, and she wanted time for herself now.Steve couldn\u2019t believe that Alice would walk away from their home and their marriage.<\/span><\/p>\n As the three of us worked together, Alice decided that she would be satisfied if she could have a year off. She saw herself as a poet. She wanted some time and some privacy so that she could write without worrying about family responsibilities.<\/span><\/p>\n Steve was relieved that it might be possible to save their marriage, but he could not immediately see any way to give Alice what she wanted. He had a full-time job in information technology. Who would take care of the kids if Alice went away?<\/span><\/p>\n Steve and Alice started listening to each other. Once each had understood and accepted the other\u2019s concerns, they could freely brainstorm possible solutions.<\/span><\/p>\n What was needed was someone to run the house and look after the children during the work week when Steve could not be at home.<\/span><\/p>\n Steve and Alice considered various possibilities. Steve\u2019s parents lived nearby in a big house. Steve and the kids could live with them, and the house Steve and Alice owned could be rented out for a year. Alternatively, the couple could hire a live-in housekeeper, but this sounded expensive.<\/span><\/p>\n In the end, Steve\u2019s sister, a recent college graduate with a part-time job, agreed to stay in the house with Steve while Alice was away. Alice began looking into writing programs at universities in another part of the country.<\/span><\/p>\n As the solution to their problem began to emerge, Steve and Alice found that their relationship started to improve. Alice, excited about the opportunity ahead, was able to reassure Steve, to be more affectionate, and to appreciate his devotion to his family. Steve for his part was able to listen while Alice spoke of her passion for writing. He no longer felt that Alice was rejecting him as a man, a husband, and a father.<\/span><\/p>\n The problem taught both Alice and Steve that if each trusted the other to speak honestly and from the heart, the two of them could work together effectively. What\u2019s more, both saw that each time they collaborated to solve a problem, their relationship grew stronger and they became more confident of their ability to surmount obstacles as a team.<\/span><\/p>\n Alice\u2019s sabbatical year went off without a hitch. Steve was able to continue with his job while caring for his children. The sister was grateful for a rent-free place to stay while she explored possible careers. When Alice returned, she and Steve were able to revisit their marriage in a spirit of gratitude and celebration.<\/span><\/p>\n Spreading the wealth . . .<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n Alice and Steve were just one of many couples I have seen in my 15+ years of practice as a social worker.<\/span><\/p>\n In each case, husband and wives would come in together and tell me about their marriages. I listened to their complaints. I showed them the different values that each one had inherited from their parents. Each learned to respect the other\u2019s point of view.<\/span><\/p>\n Once they had started hearing each other\u2019s feelings and had stopped trying to set each other straight, they were able to work together to provide for the needs each had.<\/span><\/p>\n After they had learned to communicate clearly, each one was free to develop and describe a personal vision. Then, as a next step, they could create a joint vision for their marriage.<\/span><\/p>\n Does this outcome sound good? Wouldn\u2019t you and your spouse welcome the opportunity to imagine your dream life together and work toward it? You can!<\/span><\/p>\n Nothing is stopping you except a lack of the right information.<\/span><\/p>\n With just a little coaching, you and your spouse can develop the communication skills that saved Steve and Alice.<\/span><\/p>\n What\u2019s more, at the same time, the same set of skills will let you improve every other relationship in your life, including your relationship with yourself. You will learn the secret to<\/span><\/p>\n <\/div><\/span><\/p>\n Love More, Fight Less<\/em> will give you relationship skills for all purposes. These tips and tricks will benefit you anywhere you interact with people.<\/span><\/p>\n You will be able to cope with difficult coworkers, a demanding boss, an anxious mother-in-law, and your children\u2019s teacher. With practice, you will be able to call on these skills whenever you communicate with others.<\/span><\/p>\n And you can start right away with the problems in the love relationship that means more to you than anything else. All you need to begin is your computer.<\/span><\/p>\n How to start building your relationship skills today . . .<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n To order Love More, Fight Less<\/em>, simply click on the button below. Love More, Fight Less<\/em> is available for immediate download at a price of $30. And it\u2019s guaranteed to give you satisfaction.<\/span><\/p>\n\n
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